Lesson IV | Cranky Jimmy

Lesson IV - really good bacon bits

She had her pile of cut up bacon bits on the cutting board, now she needed a suitable pan. She pulled open the pots and pan drawer like she was pulling on the drawstring of his gym shorts, and she gasped when she saw the pan she wanted. Putting it on the stove, she turned it on to 3 and placed the raw bacon bits into the pan. Again, she looked in the drawer and finding a suitable lid, she covered the bacon and waited 5 minutes. She grabbed the wood spatula (she loved the feel of the wood in her hand. Well, don't we all?) and gave the bacon a stir and put the lid back on. Another 5 minutes pass and now the bacon fat is bubbling like the hot tub they’re going to get into later. She stirred slowly, replaced the lid and turned the stove down to 2. Another 5 minutes and the bits were starting to look sexy. She stirred, and replaced the lid. Almost done, she thought, and she turned the stove down as far as it would go. Another few minutes and they were looking nice and evenly cooked. She turned it off and once they stopped sizzling, she drained and served them up.

I tried making it more exciting, but that’s pretty much it. Not lots to it I’m afraid. In the lesson on searing you wanted the pan to get really nice and hot before starting. It’s the opposite with bacon. You want low and slow. Start at 3, use a lid to keep the heat in so they cook evenly. Stir often, turn down once they start cooking, turn down again when they almost done.

I stumbled across this technique a couple of years ago when I found my bacon bits would always come out with the bacon fat raw, and the meat super crispy. I didn’t mind it so much but my wife does not like the texture of the raw bacon fat. There had to be a better way… and there is! And now that I found this method, I love it. It makes the absolute best bacon bits, ever. Firstly, good bacon bits start with good bacon. We personally make our own bacon in the smoker. I get that not everyone has a smoker, but you can also make it in the oven… just sayin’. If you buy store bacon then thick cut is your go-to. Some stores even sell bacon ends which are the leftover bits when they slice up the bacon and it’s GREAT for bacon bits. However, the uneven pieces make it a bit of work, so if you want easy, then slices it is. The colder the better. Sometimes I will throw it in the freezer for 30 minutes, and then keep what I’m not using in the fridge until I need it. If you want to just cruise through it because you’re missing Wheel of Fortune, then big chunks, ¼ to 1/8 of an inch work well. If you want to take a little time and put some effort into impressing your beloved Wubwub, then go thin. The more surface area, the more flavour and thinner will cook more evenly. However you cut them, be consistent.

As with all of these episodes, I will start with a sexy narrative and then recap in plain English, maybe some pics if you’re good. At the end I will rate each episode with Hubba Hubba points from 1 to 5 – one being scented candles and five being I hope you been keeping up with your yoga cuz you gonna bend in new and exciting ways…

This is pretty much what you’re looking for in the pan. Everything nice and evenly cooked. This level is nice and chewy, almost all of the bacon fat has been cooked. You can make it more or less crispy depending on how you like your bacon. This is perfection for us.

Since this is such a short lesson, it might be time to reiterate what makes me so Cranky. Things like pre-grated cheese. If you use pre-grated cheese, just stop. Pre-grated cheese contains wood pulp (cellulose fiber - check the package). The wood pulp helps it hold it's shape and keep from forming into a giant lump. Is it too hard to grate cheese? Really, man? Do you like to get lucky??? Grate your own cheese. You get more for your money and it literally only takes like 12 seconds to grate cheese. The other side of the coin is that I have actually made my own homemade puff pastry. It's pretty simple, you take dough and butter and you fold and fold and fold and fold and fold etc. etc. etc... but you can only fold maybe twice before you have to put it back in the fridge to keep the butter cold. And you have to put your hands in ice water to keep the butter from softening with the heat of your hands. It takes about 8 hours - or that's what it felt like. It was a long time. I lost a whole day and saved about $1.27. In that case, pre-made puff pastry - worth it. With something like that, I get it, too much effort, but pre-grated cheese. No. That's what makes me Cranky, and that's why I'm doing this, to show you that the things you might think take a lot of effort really don't, and the effort you put in gets you HUGE rewards with your significant other. Or maybe you're trying to impress a new date - not with pre-shredded cheese you won't.

This technique is easy, it isn’t really worth any Hubba Hubbas, but because it’s bacon, and everything is better with bacon, if you can master this one, then add 1 Hubba Hubba to whatever dish you are making.